Gotta Unload

Last night was a first: I had a sadness come over me like I've never experienced in my life. What brought it on? I have absolutely no idea. As a matter of fact, it happened while I was playing in basketball game. It wasn't like I was sitting-out at the time, either. I was on the court playing. I had to take myself out of the game with 12:38 left in the second half, only to have to return with 48 seconds left after one of our players fouled-out. I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be at home. I wanted to let my guard down and just weep.

And weep I did. I guess this tidal wave of emotions stems from me trying to be the strong husband that I felt that Michelle needed over the last ten days. After the initial shock of the miscarriage, I've been the one fielding calls, answering emails and text messages, etc. I've done everything in my power to allow Michelle the opportunity to grieve and recuperate. While I'm sure that was helpful to her, it really screwed me up because I didn't allow myself to grieve.

I will admit that I'm scared to death to type the following statements and questions, but I really need to let some of this stuff out to someone other than Michelle. I feel like this is the place to do that. Here goes nothing...

-How can anyone willingly take the life of an unborn child?
-Will there ever be a day when Michelle and I won't think about what happened?
-What is God trying to teach me?
-How can I be a better husband?
-Dang, this hurts!!!
-After Jesus, I want the first person I see in Heaven to be this child.
-I want to be a more compassionate individual.
-Is Michelle OK?
-Yes, I know God has a plan, but this is still hard to deal with.
-Hugs mean more to me now than ever before.
-How many tears can you cry before you get dehydrated? Seriously.

Wow. That actually felt good! Thanks for letting me unload on you :) Labels: